I think im going to throw up on grandma
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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