Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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