Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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