dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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