speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
