I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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