yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Drunk is a universal language darling
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