Swine flu. Run for my life!
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
