if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
