3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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