I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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