My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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