so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
