Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
