Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
So squirting runs in the family.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
