My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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