I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
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Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
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After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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