so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
