Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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