I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
