very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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