I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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