The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
