Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
i've created a new STD.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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