I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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