im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
