It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
