I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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