so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
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I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
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He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I woke up under a house in Key West
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