Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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