Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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