i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I have aggressive nipples.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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