What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
