you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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