i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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