The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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