Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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