I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
