is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
