you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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