Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
