A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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