Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
