Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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