Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
