someone threw a dead crab at me
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
