I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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