I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
