if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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