I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
