Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
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