i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
