like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
