guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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