Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
