i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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